Monday, October 18, 2010


When I joined Twitter I was sad.

For some reason I was so down and did not really want to share my sadness with my close friends or family, or burden them with my pain. So I turned to strangers; strangers who have since become some of my closest friends. Unfortunately, I ended up cutting myself off from many close friends and my family. Some of those friendships have gone or changed and some are stronger through people’s perseverance.

I also felt both overwhelming happiness and grief because my beautiful sister and my sister-in-law were both pregnant. I was excited for them both; however I felt sad because they were having children and we were not. Years ago I miscarried at the same time I found out I was pregnant. I understand that miscarriage is a lot more common than we would think and often women do not even really know they are pregnant. Nevertheless, I did grieve and it also made me realise that “yes” I really did want children. Now I wonder if it is even possible and as each year passes my opportunity to have children slips steadily away. I even feel somewhat resigned to the fact that I may never have children.

I joined Twitter not long after I finished volunteering. Giving up volunteering left a huge hole in my life and I gradually filled it with Twitter and writing a blog to try and get my happiness back. I blogged about painful and emotional subjects and I shared these blogs with strangers as I struggled to work through my own issues. I did not share them with friends or family.

Even as I write these words I feel sad; sad because some of the grief that I felt last year is seeping back into my heart.

Last year I felt broken and I had no idea at all about how I was going to fix myself and my life. So I wrote, I delved into my thoughts, I went back to the gym and I used Twitter. I successfully kept my Twitter and “real life” separate from one another; now 18 months later these two parts of me have started to mesh together to form one life.

Please remember that while outwardly I may appear strong, inside I am not always so strong. I take things to heart and some words do still hurt me. Every 6 months or so I feel really sad and I need a couple of days to recharge and feel like “Ness” again. It’s cyclic and I am used to it. Usually, it gets sorted with some awesome music and a good cry.

I just wanted to write the way that I am feeling so that I can process it all and move on without having a wee meltdown.

PS Liz (I know you will read this) I am working hard at not taking things personally and telling people when they upset me, but it's hard to change 20 odd years of behaviour overnight :) xx


  1. Ness my sweet , I so get this , one day I will tell you my story and you will see why I understnad , if there is one thing I know sadness never goes away it just becomes easier to bear , but i do know that anniversaries etc are the worst time , those are the times when it is okay to greive and okay to be sad, as that means you are human. I would worry if you weren't , believe me when i say you cannot be strong forever as I have well learn t myself , I would recommend counseling , but I am sure you will have done this already . Whilst there is nothing i can do down here , do know I care about you and if you need anything and I do mean anything let me know .

  2. Ness - I'm sorry you are feeling sad. I had 3 miscarriages between my boys and I understand how that feels.
    I also understand about having a Twitter life and a 'real' life - and how they somehow start melding.
    Hang in there sweetie - know you are loved.

  3. Hang in their honey, it will all be ok, I know how you are feel about the baby thing, I too have moments of grief knowing that I can not have children. Isn't it strange how you can go on for years when you are growing up trying not to get pregnant and now when you want it, it doesn't seem to happen. You and Mark are good people, and I try and keep dear the thought that good things happen to people like us. It may not be exactly as we initially planned, but keep your mind open to different opportunities and you may just be surprised by the outcome. As always chickie I am just a phone call away. Love you long time. Shona

  4. To my big sis,
    You know by now that i am reading your blog and it makes me sad knowing that you are sad. Please know that you are never a burden, you are my sister and I love you dearly, as do your other sisters and family. I hope that one day you will feel that you can come to us when you are feeling sad, but in the meantime know that you are a beautiful person who has a big heart and we all know that. Good things come to good people so I know that the things you and Mark dream of will come true....sometimes it just takes the long road to get there.
    Love you lots, Anna xoxox