Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Waiwera Massage

I thought that Waiwera meant hot pools and bottled water; but it is so much more. I recently won a beautiful massage from Waiwera Infinity Spa after joining their Facebook page.

I was both excited and apprehensive about the massage. Excited because I do not treat myself a lot and apprehensive because being overweight I feel incredibly self-conscious.

I met Antonia who showed me the tranquil massage room, and gave me a key to a locker in the changing room. Opening the locker was like unwrapping a present with a few goodies inside. The disposable g-string made me laugh out loud!

Nevertheless, Antonia made me feel completely at ease. She asked if I had massages often and I said “no”. This is one of those times when you start to think back to all the massages (good and bad) that you have had in the past. The most fantastic massage that I have ever had was with a woman in Hamilton; she was absolutely incredible. I felt immediately at ease and comfortable, and it was like all the stress just evaporated.

I talked to Antonia about how she got into massage. She explained that she was a qualified Radiologist from Eastern Europe and it was difficult for her to become qualified to work in New Zealand. So she looked for other opportunities that
would utilise/compliment her knowledge and ended up attending a massage course run by Wellpark.
After the massage I had the most amazing shower and felt relaxed beyond my wildest dreams.

The whole experience was amazing. Massage is now going to be a regular part of my life. Thank you to both Waiwera and especially Antonia, “Antonia you made this experience truly amazing, relaxing and thought-provoking”.

My advice is to treat yourself once in a while to a massage or a beauty treatment where you are cared for and pampered. It is the nicest gift to yourself, and one we do not do enough. PS: guys this applies to you as well!

Monday, December 21, 2009

2010-2011 List

2010-2011 List
On the 1st January 2007 I started a list of 100 things that I wanted to do in 2007; unfortunately I did not get every far.

So I have decided to try again. Instead of having reoccurring goals, I am going to put down ‘one off things’ to try over 2010 and 2011. I will probably add to the list as I go.

The first 30 things on the list will make up my 30 things in 60 Days Challenge:
1. Body Jam Class
2. Body Attack Class
3. Build a gingerbread house
4. Create a new cocktail
5. Get something published in any newspaper i.e. article or letter to the editor
6. Go to Armageddon
7. Go to the driving range
8. Go up Sky Tower
9. Have a picnic in the garden with the cats
10. Learn to make homemade sushi
11. Learn to make meringues
12. Make an art or craft item and sell it on Trade Me
13. Make and decorate a cake or cupcakes
14. Plant a tree
15. Play softball
16. Prepare Tofu for Mark and get him to eat it
17. Spend the day touring the Auckland Volcanoes (except Rangitoto)
18. Try Bikram Yoga
19. Try Pilates
20. Do Zumba
21. Do 5 RPM classes
22. At least one blog per week
23. Climb a tree
24. Enter a radio competition
25. Go to a Housie Night
26. Make an outfit to wear
27. Gilmore Girls marathon
28. Read The Hobbit
29. Clean the car
30. Hold a formal murder mystery dinner party

31. Complete the photo albums
32. Do a presentation from memory
33. Eat crayfish in Kaikoura
34. Find a book that both Mark and I will read
35. Finish my quilt with mum
36. Go kayaking
37. Go on the Picton Ferry
38. Go tandem bike riding
39. Go to a ball
40. Go to a drive in movie
41. Go to a Hip Hop class
42. Go to Gisborne
43. Go to Motat and pretend that you are a tour guide
44. Go to New York
45. Go to the Opera
46. Go to Tiri Tiri Matangi
47. Go to Waiheke Island on the Ferry
48. Go tramping in the Waitakere’s
49. Grow my hair long and learn to style it
50. Improve writing skills and then enter a writing competition
51. Indoor rock climbing
52. Join in with a busker with my maracas
53. Learn Maori
54. Learn my times tables
55. Learn to apply eye make up properly
56. Learn to back a trailer
57. Learn to ball room dance
58. Make a $5,000 one off payment on my student loan
59. Mount some of our own photos on photo blocks
60. Random acts of kindness
61. Read Lord of the Rings
62. Spend a day in someone else’s shoes
63. Walk to the top of Rangitoto

64. Do a flick flack
65. Try Ballet for Adults (Viva Latino)
66. Walk the Milford Track
67. Run on a Treadmill for 20 minutes
68. Make a cheesecake
69. Lose 20kg in 20 weeks

Monday, December 14, 2009

True Love vs. Obsessive Love

I have been thinking about the differences between true love vs. obsessive love.

At 16, I had my first serious relationship which lasted until I turned 20. Sam was my first love. For 3 years, it was ‘love’ based on my limited experience of what love was or should be.

Personally, I think that romance novels and Hollywood have a lot to answer for about how love is portrayed. For a long time I felt that if I did not experience the fairy tale ‘feeling’, then it was just not the real thing and therefore not true love. I believe that often I did not give love a chance; because I was too busy writing it off as ‘not’ true.

At 20, I met John and fell head over heels for him. My heart beat faster, my heart fluttered, I felt so happy. I believed that I had finally found what I considered to be ‘true love’. The problem was, was that it was not ‘true love’ but a horrible, twisted, obsessive love.

I was so obsessed with loving him and getting him to love me that I virtually destroyed my sense of self in the process. I pursued him mercilessly and seized on any attention he gave me. The problem about being in a destructive relationship is what it does to your psyche and heart.

For me John was like a drug that I could not get enough of. In moments of sanity I would try and wean myself off him, but one of us would always hook the other back in. My friends suffered because I would constantly try and reason out my feelings and/or John’s feelings for me. Unfortunately, I lost friends along the way.

For a long time I blamed John for my hurt and took no responsibility for my own actions however, a few years into it I realised that both parties must take responsibility for their own actions. I think it is very easy to blame the other person when you are in pain, nevertheless you do need to take a good hard look at your own actions.

Please do not get me wrong, I did love John in my own way. I would not change how the next 7 years panned out; as they have shaped who I am today. Nevertheless, I did promise myself (when it finished) that I would never love anyone like that again, and I started to construct walls around my heart.

In the end I felt that I was strong enough to walk away for good. The last thing that John called me was selfish and to this day that really hurts and makes me angry.

At 27, I met Mark via the internet. We developed a “friendship” over a couple of months. The love was not instant for me, not in the ‘true love’ format that I had come to expect. Also, I was still trying to get over John.

A friend asked me a few weeks ago “when did I realise that Mark was the ‘one’ for me”. For me it was probably about 6-9 months into the relationship when I woke up one morning and realised that I wanted to have babies with Mark. For me it was not about literal babies, however more about wanting to spend the rest of my life with this person.

What I have realised from our relationship, is that for me ‘true love’ grows and it is seldom ‘instant’. After John I thought that no one could repair the shattered parts of my heart, however Mark did this. Somehow he managed to pull together the broken parts of my heart and life to make it whole again. Our relationship is not perfect, however Mark is the one that I go to when I feel down and he tries to fix the hurt.

On our wedding day as I listened to his speech, I realised just how much he loves me. Yesterday, I just got given some scrapbooking pages from our wedding and one photo of Mark and I speaks volumes about the feelings we have for one another.

What I have learned is not to let past relationships ruin future relationships and that true love appears in different forms. If you let the past cloud your judgement, you may just miss someone amazing.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Threads Unravelling

The past couple of days have been pretty hard and horrible for me.

Often, it is easier for me to step inside myself and try and repair the unravelling threads of my ‘sense of self’ on my own. If I push you away, remember this time it is not about you, but it is about me trying to cope.

I have realised and re-learned some things about myself:

- I think that I am a kind person and for the most part not a bad person
- I put the ‘drama’ in Drama Queen
- I want to be there for everyone, and sometimes this is at the expense of my own emotional fragility
- Rather than address problems head on, I tend to be passive aggressive
- If I feel that I cannot cope, I forget that other people have problems, thoughts and feelings to
- I have huge mood swings which quite frankly are a ridiculous waste of time and very hard on the people that love me
- I probably need to consider talking vitamin supplements

How can I change my behaviour to be a better person, a better wife, a better daughter, a better friend and a better sister?

- Understand that the world does not always revolve around me (shocking I know)
- Cut out the passive aggressive and Drama Queen behaviour
- Find a better outlet for my mood swings and try not to let these affect others
- Self-medication by way of giant Jelly-beans (thank you Liz)

To my friends and family: “please do not ever think that you cannot talk to me, it is just that sometimes I need to fix myself a little first before I can be there 110% for you”.

Monday, December 7, 2009

Locking Down my Heart

Whenever I feel extreme emotions such as stress, anger or sadness I immediately revert to ‘negative’ learned behaviour.

It is definitely not something that I am proud of, and now that I am older (and wiser) I can usually pinpoint when I start to do it. Regrettably, I have found that when my emotions are extreme that learned behaviour will sneak in like an old friend that I cannot ignore; an old friend that will protect me when I feel that I cannot protect myself.

The most common learned behaviour that I seem to exhibit is that I start to throw walls up around my heart to protect ‘it’ from being hurt. From this point, I start to shut down and shut people out of my world. Although, I can tell when it is starting, there are some instances when I do not have the power or will-power to change what is happening. It is as if I cannot reconcile the feelings in my heart with the thoughts in my head. It makes me frustrated that in 34 years I have not managed to change some of the deeply ingrained behaviours that I have formed.

I am the only person who knows me the best; I know my strengths and weaknesses, and all the secrets and lies. I can recognise the bits I love about myself and the bits that I do not like. While I do not think anyone likes to be told of their weaknesses, I do appreciate constructive criticism.

So if I push you away, please remember that for the most part it is about me and not about you. And I will promise you, that I will try not to lock down my heart when I am scared of being hurt.