Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Eating my feelings and my mind

Last week I had a few conversations about sabotaging my weight-loss journey and eating my feelings.

I know enough about healthy eating and exercise to write my own book. I have read books, blogs, watched television, tried Weight Watchers and Sure Slim, done Body for Life etc. So it is definitely NOT my lack of knowledge about these things that is preventing me from losing weight.

As I watch more of the Biggest Loser Australia; I have realised that there is a lot of mental and emotional ‘fog’ that I need to sort out before I will seriously start to lose weight. Perhaps I need to go and see a counsellor for a few sessions to point me in the right direction.

Like a lot of people I do eat my feelings. I eat when I am happy, sad, angry, bereft. I enjoy food and I do not ever want to be in a position where I do not enjoy food. Last week I had a chat with Shona over an Oreo Shake and Chocolate Cake with ice-cream. Shona asked me if I would ever consider “surgery” and I said no. I explained that I do not really want to go down that track, as I am positive that I can get my mind right and do it myself. Then we talked about how we had both just made food choices that were not that great and therefore sabotaged ourselves. My personal trainer Arlene asks me why I sabotage myself constantly.

To be honest; I do not know why I sabotage myself. There could be any number of reasons:
- Deep down I do not want to weigh less and be fitter and healthier
- I am starving and make a bad food choice
- I need to get my head “fully” in the game
- I want to support people’s businesses and other than buying their beautiful food I cannot think of other ways to help support them

Over the weekend I had an epiphany! I realised that I eat my feelings because I do not tell people how I feel when I am sad or upset with them. I push down those feelings with rage, tears and food. This leads to resentment and a very emotional Ness. I then dwell on all the things that I should have said; things I should have felt strong enough to say. I often hold onto these feelings of sadness or anger for months or years and by that stage it is too late to say anything to that person.

For about 20 years I have not really spoken up when I have felt hurt or disagree with someone. I used to be a lot more strong-minded and in some instances I still am. However, there are still miles to go for me to become a whole person that speaks up rather than staying quiet. Deep down there is the feeling of being ‘disliked’ if I say something when I feel hurt, or if I go against the grain with my opinions. Also, I am completely freaked out about getting into a debate where I feel that I cannot “hold my own”. Over the years my confidence has been eroded and I am left with virtually none.

Twitter has taught me a lot about people and I have watched a lot of debates when people have differing opinions. It is refreshing to me to see some debates that rage while not becoming “personal attacks”. I have even begun to dip my toes in the water a little and express my own opinions.

So it is time for a new Ness that stands up for herself and is not going to be bullied, walked all over or made to feel stink anymore for her feelings or opinions.

Previous Weight: 154.8kg
Current Weight: 153.2kg
Weight Difference: 1.6kg
Initial Goal Weight: 99kg
Work out pledge: 3 cardio and 2 resistance workouts

1 comment:

  1. I'm glad that you're getting some benefits out of Twitter. I have to say I love Twitter. I've met such awesome people - including you - on Twitter. I think it's important to stand up for yourself and challenge people too. I've seen you doing that on Twitter and I think it's awesome. Good luck with your journey. I'm here if you need anything! :)