Monday, April 22, 2013

Am I Repulsive or Remarkable?



 
Before the Orewa Half a Half
Yesterday, I posted this on the MMNZ Private Group:

“Things I am really not going to miss when I'm no longer overweight. 1. People looking me up and down with disgust or making comments behind their hands (even more heartbreaking when you've got out of bed to go to a walking/running event). 2. People yelling out their car windows that I'm fat (because obviously I don't realise that I am).”

What actually blew me away after I posted this were the amazing messages of support and outrage from a lot of the members of MMNZ. I realised that when I workout or even just walk down the street I am accompanied in spirit by 300+ women who I in turn support in their journeys. To the MMNZ crew: Your support and love is invaluable. I cannot find the words to express how you all made me feel yesterday. You helped fix something (me) that was broken.

It is really not the sort of thing that I would put out there as these are things that I have experienced a lot over my life. Mostly, I would choose to feel bad and then internalise the rest of my feelings and move on. I took it for granted that this is what I was going to come to expect from my life.

It wasn’t until I put it out there publically that I realised that some people just did not realise that this sort of thing happened; Makaia (founder of MMNZ) was really angry.

As I was driving to work this morning I realised that it has not just been perfect strangers that have made me feel bad, but particular members of my extended family of whom being slim seems to be the most important thing. Obviously, to some people slim = healthy. So what about all the slim people that die from heart attacks or cancer? Also, slim does not necessarily mean fit…I have seen some really small people that cannot lift as much weight as me and others that simply do not have the muscle strength to pull their shoulders back to walk tall.

I know that I am carrying far too much weight for my frame and from a BMI standpoint I am considered morbidly obese. However, I do not have any major health issues such as type 2 diabetes and surprisingly I am pretty healthy. The only thing that I have noticed as I get older is certain things which my age probably kept at bay have started to appear i.e. a bit of Asthma. My weight is not because of any hereditary issues, and my thyroid works fine. It comes from having some emotional baggage and also eating far too much and not exercising enough. 

So remember when you see someone out there exercising who is overweight then I challenge you to not consider them as repulsive; instead consider them as remarkable. They are out there trying to make a difference in their lives; to make a choice to live rather than shorten their lives. Take it from me; it is such a huge feat for me to get out of bed on a stormy Sunday morning at 6am to get ready to drive to a 10.5km event. I do not want to be made to feel like shit when you look at me like I am worthless or disgusting. It is hard enough motivating myself to get out there without having to worry about what you think.

This is what I realised:

“Some beautiful things happened today. Firstly all your amazing, inspiring, loving posts were incredible to read both before and after the race. Just beautiful. I think every single MMNZ member feels the support every day (from everyone here) when they workout, eat clean and also the days when they fall off the wagon or have a rough day. Secondly was walking the first 2 Km's with a friend and then seeing her partner and their children supporting me at different parts of the course and cheering "go Ness". Lastly was the young boy (maybe 10-12 years old) saying to me on the home straight "keep going, you're nearly there". Plus all the Marshals and professional competitors who can see beyond weight to what someone is trying to achieve.”


I have decided that I will compete in my first half marathon next year in April for the Whenuapai Half. I will probably run and walk it however that is my goal. I figure if the walkers at Orewa can do a half in 2.5 hours then surely I can do it faster than 4 hours!


Who is with me?!
 

 
 

16 comments:

  1. Sitting here having a cry because YES, I get you! I avoid walking outside in public a lot of the time simply because I feel like I can't cope with another 'hey fatty' yelled out of a car window. I know I shouldn't care, and I actually don't care what these people think, but it IS humiliating.

    Honestly, you are an inspiration!

    p.s. I think the marshals on that course have been the most encouraging I have ever come across.

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    1. It's really disgraceful that people feel that they have the right to yell shit like that at others. It is so demoralising and it makes what we are doing seem like something bad; when it is so far from bad!

      No wonder overweight people keep their heads down and do not make eye-contact when they walk/run/exercise; because we have been made to feel worthless.

      From now on I say “lift your head really high, and be proud of what you are doing and what you are achieving”. Haters will always be haters and they can get stuffed. Also, turn the music up loader to drown them out.

      The marshals are awesome! Super supportive and caring.

      Much love
      Ness xxxx

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  2. Dee - Fellow MMNZ memberApril 22, 2013 at 9:36 AM

    Ness you are one remarkable lady and don't deserve any of the negative that is being thrown at you. Many people would not have the strength (physical and mental)that you have. Rock on Ninga Ness.

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    1. Awww Dee....thank you so much. It is a slow journey however I am going to choose to enjoy every part...even the hard bits!

      :)

      Much Love
      Ninja Ness xxxx

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  3. Remarkable. Seriously remarkable. I really admire how you acknowledge your weaknesses and that is a strength that cannot flip tractor tyres! Next time someone judges you for your shell, remember that inside shells are the most wonderful things, like pearls, and they cannot see that nor take that away from you. They may judge you based on their own insecurities, and they're only insecure because they haven't found their inner strength like you. You're remarkable and inspirational. Celebrate that with all your other achievements! GO YOU!

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    1. Gah. No idea why it decided to post my comment as racetroll. Damnit. This is alikat!!

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    2. I cracked up when I saw 'racetroll'. LOL!!

      You have no idea how much you inspire me every single day of my journey. I think that you are incredible. I know that there have been times that you've felt knocked down and then you just get back up and keep going.

      What I think is that if people judge solely on the outside then they are not worth showing my inside bits to. They are not worth my time anymore.

      Much love
      Ness xxxx

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  4. You are so unbelievably remarkable it is beyond words. I know exactally where you are coming from and have felt and still feel all of those things. When I first started on my journey of needing to loose 90-100kg I exercised in the privacy of my own home - hidden from the outside world. Almost as if I was loosing weight in secret if you get what I mean. The thing I realised is that people are going to always have something to say regardless if you are doing good or bad. Everyone has a bloody opinion that they think we all want to hear. I believe the journey we are on is a real test of character and you have such amazing character and you are going to cross the finish line of your journey with hands in the air and an incredible sense of righteousness. Hold your head high Vanessa. You are incredible and all that you are doing is incredible. "Be the change you want to see in the world" :) xx

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    1. Sorry, should have signed out of my school account. Is Megan from MMNZ :)

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    2. Megan thank you so much! It is such a huge journey when you are starting and realise that you have to lose a whole person i.e. 90-100kg!

      I can totally relate about feeling like you need to hide in the privacy of your own home. I realised that to continue on my journey that I had to really put myself out there ‘warts and all’ and that is what I have done. Raw honesty works for me now. I am not ashamed of getting out there and just being me and exercising. If people do not like what they see then they can look away and ignore it, or they can look and actually see the person that is desperately trying to make a difference. Surely, that would make them better people?

      Love
      Ninja Ness xxxx

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  5. REMARKABLE!

    Remarkable, remarkable, remarkable!

    We all know that those who yell comments out of car windows, whisper them under their breaths and sneer scathingly are doing it to make themselves feel better - but fuck em Ness!
    I had moment the other day when one of my dive students told me that she wished she was as fit as me. Fit I asked? But look at my ass I said.
    She told me that her, and a couple of others, had talked about me. Not once was my size mentioned, rather my strength, patience and ability.
    All of those things .. plus your tenacity, your caring nature and your attitude are what I see when I look at or when I think of you.

    You are truly Remarkable. And yes, that capital letter was intentional xx

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    1. Maybe we could have a new saying….

      “Tara/Ness thinks you’re dumb….”

      That is so inspiring that your dive student said that to you the other day. How amazing and lovely. Sometimes you need to hear those comments to make it clear that you are on the RIGHT path! It is especially good if you are struggling on your journey.

      Strength
      Patience
      Ability

      Maybe you should write those words on a piece of paper and stick it on your bathroom mirror. You need to read that every. single.day.

      Love you loads.
      Ness xxxx

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  6. Ness you are Remarkable.

    You inspire me to get of my butt and shake this baby weight, instead of hiding at home trying to do it, I need to get out there and put more effort in.



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    1. Yay!!! Go you. Don't hid at home. It's not worth it.

      You can do this. I believe in you. You should see if you can come with Delane to some of our training sessions. He's amazing.

      Bit by bit you can do it. Even if it's just walking up all the stairs in your house when your little girl is having a nap. I bet it's not easy as a new mum especially when you are shattered.

      Love
      Ness xxxx

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  7. Definitely remarkable. Shallow people only see the outside of someone, their physical shell, not the real person they actually are.

    No one, but no one, has the right to judge others who are trying to help themselves.

    You are doing great, keep it up:)

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    1. Thanks Lynda. :)

      For the most part I just ignore it but every so often it gets to me and I remember just how nasty people can be.

      Ness

      xx

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