Sunday, May 1, 2011


I have had a week of ups and downs. I am not sure if it’s something to do with the weather changing or the moon or the planetary alignment.

The Bad
I feel like I have gone backwards a little. I feel sad and a bit flat. I hate it. I feel disassociated from my sense of self. This is not me. I used to be such a happy person and in the past year I found that sadness and rage are slowly creeping in. Also, there is a huge sense of self-doubt.

I have stopped trusting my instinct and that is a bad thing. I trust easily and without reservation and that turned out to be a double-edged sword. So now I feel lost. I do not think I am a bad person, but I am not without my own faults. You can read my other blogs for those. I have always been a very open person but perhaps I need to be more closed. I also do not think I am friends with people for what I can get out of them.

I am slowly hardening myself to the fact that Mark and I will probably never have children. All those years in my late teens – early 20’s when I tried not to get pregnant (and not wanting children “ever”), and now it is the one thing that I would love and cannot have. So I will be a great aunty to my nieces and nephews and love my friends children without restraint.

The Good
I had a good week at the gym and managed to go 3 days instead of the normal 2. I tried running using the C25K concept and it was surprisingly good. This week I am planning to start the program again and do 3 days and then 2 days of “other” exercise.

Also, I have discovered Parenthood with Lauren Graham. I am actually really enjoying it. It makes me laugh. It makes me cry. It’s like a ‘mash up’ of Modern Family vs. Brothers and Sisters.

I have finally confirmed both venues for Mark’s forthcoming birthday celebrations and just have to do one final check and then we can send the invitations out. I am excited about this even though I do not know if Mark is at the moment.

It was my nephew’s second birthday yesterday. He is so adorable.

I enjoyed watching Steph from Available Light taking photos of Kathryn and Colleen from Delish Cupcakes. I cannot wait to see the photos.

With some great advice from Steph I am starting to sort out our photos into some sort of manageable order. It also means scanning the ‘non digital’ ones and keeping these safe in acid-free paper and boxes.

I love the song ‘Happiness’ by Alexis Jordan.


  1. Awww don't be a sad flat panda! I hope you get your mojo back soon.
    It's crazy how we spend so many years praying we won't "slip up" and get pregnant and then the time comes when we want to and it's tough. My mum went through infertility with my dad (hence my adoption) so I know how hard it must be. You sound like such a caring person so I know your nephews, nieces and friends' children will be very lucky to have you xo

  2. Thanks Kez. I totally understand the adoption thing as I was adopted as well. I guess as a woman I always thought that it would be easy when the time came. :)

  3. I'm going through the same thing with not being able to have kids. I thought I never wanted them, then recent events have shown me that maybe I don't want kids now, but I do want at least the opportunity to have them if I want them. I've been through this once, when I was told that I was infertile and would never have children, then getting unexpectedly pregnant but not being in a position where I could have kept the baby is making me go through it all again.

    It's hard, and it's a slow process, but I can only hope that like last time, I'll come to terms with it again and learn to accept it. I hope you will too. It's okay to be sad, and if you ever want to talk, I'm here.

  4. Sad to read your going through such a tough time at the moment. You are such a wonderful person with a heart of gold.