Sunday, May 1, 2011
I have had a week of ups and downs. I am not sure if it’s something to do with the weather changing or the moon or the planetary alignment.
I feel like I have gone backwards a little. I feel sad and a bit flat. I hate it. I feel disassociated from my sense of self. This is not me. I used to be such a happy person and in the past year I found that sadness and rage are slowly creeping in. Also, there is a huge sense of self-doubt.
I have stopped trusting my instinct and that is a bad thing. I trust easily and without reservation and that turned out to be a double-edged sword. So now I feel lost. I do not think I am a bad person, but I am not without my own faults. You can read my other blogs for those. I have always been a very open person but perhaps I need to be more closed. I also do not think I am friends with people for what I can get out of them.
I am slowly hardening myself to the fact that Mark and I will probably never have children. All those years in my late teens – early 20’s when I tried not to get pregnant (and not wanting children “ever”), and now it is the one thing that I would love and cannot have. So I will be a great aunty to my nieces and nephews and love my friends children without restraint.
I had a good week at the gym and managed to go 3 days instead of the normal 2. I tried running using the C25K concept and it was surprisingly good. This week I am planning to start the program again and do 3 days and then 2 days of “other” exercise.
Also, I have discovered Parenthood with Lauren Graham. I am actually really enjoying it. It makes me laugh. It makes me cry. It’s like a ‘mash up’ of Modern Family vs. Brothers and Sisters.
I have finally confirmed both venues for Mark’s forthcoming birthday celebrations and just have to do one final check and then we can send the invitations out. I am excited about this even though I do not know if Mark is at the moment.
It was my nephew’s second birthday yesterday. He is so adorable.
I enjoyed watching Steph from Available Light taking photos of Kathryn and Colleen from Delish Cupcakes. I cannot wait to see the photos.
With some great advice from Steph I am starting to sort out our photos into some sort of manageable order. It also means scanning the ‘non digital’ ones and keeping these safe in acid-free paper and boxes.
I love the song ‘Happiness’ by Alexis Jordan.