Monday, November 9, 2009

What have I done to make you feel proud?

For the first 14 years of my life I was an only child. Then I met my sisters. Technically they are my half sisters, but we do not see it that way. We are “full siblings” for all intents and purposes. Because they grew up together, I guess Anna is the “older” sister, and then I am the older sister ‘add on’.

I am the eldest, then Anna and then the twins, Sarah and Becky. I am incredibly proud to call these strong, beautiful, intelligent women my sisters. Sometimes I wonder if they feel proud of me.

Anna lives in New York with her partner and has an amazing job. She has paid her student loan, her staff members love her and she is an amazing role model for her peers and staff. She has not lived in New Zealand for years, and while she misses us like crazy she is really progressing with her career. On the flipside she often works 16 hours a day; often at the expense of sleep and the gym.

Sarah and her fiancĂ© and their new baby boy are moving home after nearly 4 years in the Gold Coast. Sarah has done so well since she worked for D-Vice and then moved to the Gold Coast. Things just suddenly clicked for her there, and she really found her strong sense of shelf. She is an incredible ‘new’ mum.

Becky, her husband and two beautiful twin girls live in Wellington. They have lived in Auckland, Melbourne and this is their second time in Wellington. She was able to stay home until the girls’ went to school and is an outstanding mum. She has the amazing ability to be able to make her home where ever she lives which is fabulous.

At times I wonder what I have done that makes them feel proud of me. I do not feel like a role model most of the time. I have a job, not a career. We do not have children. Mark and I do not own our own home. I am complete crap with money and still have a student loan. I am also grossly overweight and having 3 slimmer sisters often makes me feel like the horrible, fat older sister.

On the flipside, I think that I am a nice person, with a kind heart. I would do anything for my sisters if they needed me, as would my husband Mark. I devoted 2 ½ years to a cat rescue agency; at the expense of my family and friends and now we have an extra four cats who were rescued. Somewhere in the middle of all that we managed to get married with our close friends and family.

At times I have struggled with my own emotional demons and I think that finally I can start putting some of them to rest. For the first time in years I feel happy, and more like a whole person. I have stopped feeling like I want to die, and am learning how to feel alive. Although, Mark and I do have rocky patches, I strongly believe that we have a good marriage and have lots of laughs.

To me success is being happy and healthy physically and emotionally; and not having a house. If I am happy then should it really matter if people are proud of me or not? Should I just be proud of myself and my achievements.

Over the next few months I plan to focus on my health and well being, my career and learning to save.

So one day at a time sounds good.

1 comment:

  1. Hey babe, your health and happiness are far more important than a house. Start with that, one step at a time, one day at a time. The house WILL come too for you both. It will just take time, but you CAN have it all. Just keep going forward, everything is gret now and only going to get better. You are kind hearted soul and you deserve continuing successs. You go girl!