Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Threads Unravelling

The past couple of days have been pretty hard and horrible for me.

Often, it is easier for me to step inside myself and try and repair the unravelling threads of my ‘sense of self’ on my own. If I push you away, remember this time it is not about you, but it is about me trying to cope.

I have realised and re-learned some things about myself:

- I think that I am a kind person and for the most part not a bad person
- I put the ‘drama’ in Drama Queen
- I want to be there for everyone, and sometimes this is at the expense of my own emotional fragility
- Rather than address problems head on, I tend to be passive aggressive
- If I feel that I cannot cope, I forget that other people have problems, thoughts and feelings to
- I have huge mood swings which quite frankly are a ridiculous waste of time and very hard on the people that love me
- I probably need to consider talking vitamin supplements

How can I change my behaviour to be a better person, a better wife, a better daughter, a better friend and a better sister?

- Understand that the world does not always revolve around me (shocking I know)
- Cut out the passive aggressive and Drama Queen behaviour
- Find a better outlet for my mood swings and try not to let these affect others
- Self-medication by way of giant Jelly-beans (thank you Liz)

To my friends and family: “please do not ever think that you cannot talk to me, it is just that sometimes I need to fix myself a little first before I can be there 110% for you”.


  1. You and half the world Ness. Know that you are not alone. My partner believes that as Kiwis we are not as direct as others and take more on oursleves! Something in that? There is for me.

    Laos and also LOL, I think as women we were/are taught o care for others before ourselves and it's something we need to stop NOW!

    Big hugs!

  2. Yes, you're not alone. We all go through these ups and downs. For me, sometimes I think I overthink things. And I do put others first, but then get cranky resentful. A friend told me the other day I needed to be more selfish, and I guess that is right. We are brought up to think selfish is bad ...and that it's selfish to put our own needs first occasionally. So I'm going to try to do that, at least for a bit.

  3. Thanks Jill and Bronwyn for your thoughtful and insightful comments. I am also glad that I am not alone :) *hugs*

    Bronwyn I agree about the selfish thing. We are definitely taught that some feelings/emotions are wrong or bad. I think that depending on the situation, selfish is not always a bad "thing".

    Perhaps women (I say women because I have no experience as a man) do need to put themselves first sometimes instead of husbands, children, and family; even if it is just a nice walk (on your own), or a bath.

    I over think things constantly am not direct enough with how I feel and take things personally all the time. Silly feelings!

  4. Keep strong. I'm all for being selfish, and I think it's important to realise that while you can't always control what happens, you can control how you react to it. You can't make everyone happy, but you can certainly work towards making yourself happy, and only good things can flow from that. :-)