Monday, December 7, 2009

Locking Down my Heart

Whenever I feel extreme emotions such as stress, anger or sadness I immediately revert to ‘negative’ learned behaviour.

It is definitely not something that I am proud of, and now that I am older (and wiser) I can usually pinpoint when I start to do it. Regrettably, I have found that when my emotions are extreme that learned behaviour will sneak in like an old friend that I cannot ignore; an old friend that will protect me when I feel that I cannot protect myself.

The most common learned behaviour that I seem to exhibit is that I start to throw walls up around my heart to protect ‘it’ from being hurt. From this point, I start to shut down and shut people out of my world. Although, I can tell when it is starting, there are some instances when I do not have the power or will-power to change what is happening. It is as if I cannot reconcile the feelings in my heart with the thoughts in my head. It makes me frustrated that in 34 years I have not managed to change some of the deeply ingrained behaviours that I have formed.

I am the only person who knows me the best; I know my strengths and weaknesses, and all the secrets and lies. I can recognise the bits I love about myself and the bits that I do not like. While I do not think anyone likes to be told of their weaknesses, I do appreciate constructive criticism.

So if I push you away, please remember that for the most part it is about me and not about you. And I will promise you, that I will try not to lock down my heart when I am scared of being hurt.

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