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| Second Birthday ~ July 1977 |
Over the last few months I
have had a chance to really think about the things that make me “me”. Quite a
few of these things are what I have learned (or inherited) from my parents.
I have realised that I am
so like my mum and so like my dad and because my parents are quite different to
each other (in so many ways); in certain situations I often find myself split.
I am so like my mum. From
time to time I need my space and need quiet time to process things. Basically,
there are times when I just want to be left alone to think. It is not a
personal reflection on anyone around me i.e. family, friends etc. it is just
that I need space. There are days when I wish I could be stronger and more
tenacious like my mum. I love deeply like my mum. I adore animals. Oh and I
proof-read like my mum used to proof-read all my work; much to Mark’s horror!
Mark, mum and I were having
coffee one day and mum said “I brought Vanessa up to a be a strong, independent
young woman because I did not know if she would ever meet her birth family and
I wanted her to be strong in case anything happened to us”. Mark’s response was
“did you have to make her so independent?” It was then that I realised that I
can be independent to the point of wilfulness in some situations.
It was through my mum’s tenacity
and strength that we met my birth family.
I am so like my father. I
love being the centre of attention. I love to talk and have lots of people
around me. I love to tell my stories over and over again. This is probably why
I have an online blog. I love huge celebrations with family and friends and I
adore good food and wine. Actually, it is all about me! I do appreciate music
and often get emotional listening to particular songs. I am compassionate like
my dad.
Once I asked my dad if he
regretted never having (biological) children of his own and his words will stay
with me until I die. He said “you are my daughter”. I was enough for him and I
filled his heart with joy.
So you can see why I am sometimes conflicted...mum sometimes wants space vs. dad loving people around etc.
Like both of my parents I
pretty much trust with all my heart and have an amazing amount of admiration
for them both.
Then I also share traits
with my birth mum and biological sisters. A few months’ ago my sister Bec said
“oh my goodness that expression is so mum!” So it really speaks volumes about
nature vs. nurture.
I was adopted out at birth
and from an early age my parents told me that I was adopted and when I was a
bit older I knew the circumstances of my adoption. I grew up as an only child
within a loving family; I was cherished. Did I feel like there was a piece
missing; yes. There were times when I would wonder about people walking down
the street and whether they were my biological family. There was a time when I
meet a woman at the local beach who constructed a huge lie about knowing my
birth mother etc. and I believed her. My mum was absolutely heart-broken for
me.
I can clearly remember
really wanting a sibling to play with and I did ask if we could adopt another
child or even provide a home for one of the children from the permanent
placement articles. Mum just told me the other day that I would be gutted when
my friends (or cousin) went home after staying the night or the weekend. I also
got used to playing on my own and also let my imagination run wild within the
realm of books.
I guess what I am really
trying to say is that I honestly do not think that you can understand growing
up as an only child if you grew up with siblings in your physical space.
When I was about 13 my
cousin came to live with us. We shared a room. We shared physical space. We
laughed, we fought, we cried. Finally, I had a friend and confidant…a sibling. We
have so many shared memories. What I cannot remember, she can fill in the
blanks. Seriously, we could write a book with our teenage experiences. I was
trying to sum up my life between the age of about 6 through to 18 and I
realised that a 20 minute car ride is no way near sufficient time.
I met my birth family at 14
years of age and found that I had 3 biological sisters. Suddenly, I had sisters
in addition to my cousin. My teenage years were pretty tumultuous (you will
have to read the book) and it took time to develop and nurture relationships
with my sisters and birth family. 23 years later we have a pretty incredible
bond.
I still keep things to
myself and do not share a lot of my very deepest feelings with anyone, not even
Mark. I believe that this comes from
being an only child for the first part of my life and I guess in essence I
learned to self-soothe and be strong. As an adult, it is probably unlikely to
change.
