1. Air Travel

It is the night before I am due to travel to Australia to meet my gorgeous new nephew in the Gold Coast. I said to @josiecampbell that I would write a few blogs while I was away and this is the first blog in a list of 13 that she gave me as suggestions.

I do not really enjoy too many forms of public transport and have really whittled them down to cars and trains/planes if I absolutely have to. This may seem cliché but prior to 9/11 I loved flying, there was something amazing about being able to go from one country to another with a great deal of ease. I really wish that I was like a bird and could fly without having a metal shell around me.

Unfortunately, the events of 9/11 will permanently be etched in my brain. I will never, ever forget the people who died in those planes or who jumped from the buildings because it was preferable to being burnt alive. On the flipside, I also understand that 1000’s of innocent people have lost their lives as a result of war and/or terrorism, and I hate it. It makes me feel heartbroken that we cannot live in a world where all people can co-exist peacefully despite their differences of race, colour, religion, sexual orientation, gender, age, size etc. But that’s probably another blog altogether.

I now always get nervous before I fly. I feel physically sick, and just can’t wait until I am on the ground again. All I can think about is what happens if we crash, or the plane breaks up in the air (thanks ‘Lost’)? What would I do? Would I panic? Resign myself to my fate? Who knows how one would react until they are put in that situation. In saying that once I am up in the air I do not feel as bad, perhaps it is because once you are in the air you cannot get out until the plane lands.

The other reason I dislike flying is because of my weight. I am conscious of whether the seatbelt will fit, and whether I will be stuck in the middle section with no easy way out. Will I have a free seat next to me, so I can put the arm rest up for comfort? Will I knock the person next to me? Let’s not even get started on the toilets.

To me there is really only one thing that I can fix and that is to lose weight, to make travelling more comfortable. Maybe this will help lessen my fear of flying as well??

Volunteering

On the 1st January 2007 I read an article in the paper about a guy named Chris Flack who the year before decided to try 100 new things. He made this decision at the pub with his mates!

I decided that it was an amazing idea and alongside my family and friends (probably with a slight post New Year glow), to write a list of things to do during 2007. Mine was a bit different to Chris’s list and I included medium-term goals and also one off things. I also emailed Chris to tell him what I was doing, and stunningly he replied back; I now follow is blog and also find out what he is doing via Facebook.

I embarked on my mission with confidence and enthusiasm. I got to number 8 and then things ground to a halt altogether. My 8th “thing” was to volunteer for a non-profit organisation. I came across this organisation on a NZ website and decided to approach them to see if they wanted administrative help. I didn’t hear anything for about 4-6 weeks and then out of the blue I received an email. So I started with 1 day a week checking their phone messages. I felt as though I could do more and in typical “Vanessa” style I jumped in with two feet; at the damn deep end.

I just want to make a note here. I also wanted something to occupy my time. I felt incredibly lonely at home as Mark would sleep most of the weekend away and I was often up at 7am on a Saturday and Sunday, so for hours I would be struggling to fill this time.

Over the next 2 ½ years I dedicated a lot of my time, blood, sweat and TEARS to this worthy cause. I do not want to discourage people from volunteering for non-profit organisations, but please heed these words of warning. Think very carefully about the organisation that you want to volunteer for, do not get involved in their petty/childish games, and absolutely make sure that they have processes and a business plan that they follow. Also, make sure that they have a board of trustees to keep the committee in check.

My commitment to this organisation just about broke my marriage, my wedding nearly didn’t happen and my relationships suffered with friends and family. I now absolutely detest a couple of people that are still involved. I do think about the great things that they have achieved, and are still achieving. Nevertheless, I feel a deep sense of sadness and frustration towards their pigheadedness. I am also stunned by the utter lack of regard for other people and also adults who are just wankers and completely rude and hypocritical! Also, the absolute nastiness and bitchiness was mind blowing (even from men)!

Please do not think that I am trying to be a martyr as I can take responsibility for my own actions; however a lot of bullies worked for this organisation and I do not cope well with bullies at all. I also struggle to ask for help and instead try and tackle everything without help. I know my weaknesses, and certainly know what I need to work on.

What are the good things? I met some absolutely amazing people, and one of them is someone who I want in my life forever. I love her without conviction and I am honoured to call her a friend. We got 3 beautiful cats that have helped bring joy to our household.

Things that I think they could do better: Have a business plan. Have PROCESSES and make sure that these processes are adhered to. Don’t have one process or rule for one group and another for some else. Ensure that the committee make decisions that benefit the organisation and also adopt a consultative approach. Also, the person who started the organisation needs to be removed from the committee.

Adoption

My mum and dad adopted me when I was about 10 days old. It was a time when adoptions in New Zealand were closed, and therefore you were not able to know who the birth parent/s and family were.

My parents were absolutely over the moon to have me, as they could not have children of their own. They felt blessed to have me, and my homecoming was a huge deal for them and their friends. I once asked my dad if he regretted not having a biological daughter of his own to which he responded “you are my daughter”.

From an early age, my parents were very open with me about my adoption and the circumstances surrounding it. I was adopted out as a result of sexual abuse and my birth mother made the hard decision to give me up. I grew up as an only child and would always ask my parents if they would adopt another child, or even adopt one of the countless “permanent placement” kids who appeared in our local paper.

During my early teens, my mum and I would have the odd fight were I would bring out the “you are not my real mother” argument out. It was not until I got older that I truly realised just how incredibly hurtful that this was.

When I turned 14 (and I remember this clearly as we were having renovations done at home) I was going through a pretty rough time, and also I guess a bit of an identity crisis. I did know a lot about my birth mother and father, but sometimes paper is just not sufficient. I came home from school and my mum sat me down and told me that she had something to tell me, and that she did not want me to hate her. Over the next few hours my mum explained that when she took a trip (when she was studying archaeology at University) in 1982 to Africa she was afraid that if anything happened to her that she would not be able to help me find my birth family. So she approached a contact, and managed to actually get my birth mother’s real name. Obviously, nothing happened to her on the trip and she kept that knowledge to herself for nearly 8 years, as she did not believe that she could legally tell me.

Mum then proceeded to say that with my permission she was going to drive up north (the following day) and see if she could meet my birth mum. I was stunned, but never angry. I adore my mum and dad and they have always been incredibly supportive and loving. I could not wish for a more amazing set of parents. I consider my mum a brave person and what she did for me next was one of the most truly beautiful, selfless things that a person could do for another.

My mum travelled up north the following day (a Friday) and went to my birth mother’s home. As she did not know if the family knew about the adoption, she just had to pretend that she was a friend of my birth mother’s. It did not really work as we found out later that her husband knew exactly who she was. My twin sisters were home with the measles! My birth mother was not home, so my mum stayed for an hour or so and then disappointedly decided to leave.

As she drove through the small country town, she saw a woman by a car on the road. My mum decided to take one more chance and approached her, and asked if she had adopted a daughter out about 14 years ago. The answer was ‘yes’ and my mum said “well I am her mum”. Anyway, they both sat in the car while mum showed my birth mum photos of me growing up. They both cried. They then went back to my birth mother’s house and met my step dad and the twins. The irony of the whole story is that my birth mum was a nurse for a number of years at my doctor’s surgery and they lived just down the road from us.

It was an incredibly emotional time for my parents and me; luckily I had some very supportive friends around me at the time. I got to see photos of my mum and her family and it was like looking at carbon copies of me. Suddenly, I felt a little closer to feeling complete. I met my mum for the first time a few weeks later, and when they all came back from holiday I met my step dad and my 3 sisters.

Over the years it took me time to adjust to having an instant family. Some feelings are not instant, and it was a lot for them and us to take in. I think that my step dad struggled a bit for about 18 months, then one summer holiday’s suddenly we just clicked, and things having amazing with him and I ever since. He was around for my birth and while my mum was pregnant, and could fill in a lot of gaps for me. As I got older I did struggle with forming stronger relationships with my birth mum and it is an absolute credit to my mum Pat that she would ask me if I had talked to my birth mother and helped me to forge a strong, solid bond. There is no jealously between these two strong, beautiful women.

My family has grown and I went from having no siblings to having 3 half sisters, a half brother and also another beautiful young woman Grace who I proudly consider to be my sister. There are so many similarities between my sisters and I that it really strikes home that there are some things about us that are heredity and others that are part of our upbringing.

Yes, it has not been easy but the trip has been well worth it. I have an amazing relationship with my mum and dad, and also my birth mother and step dad. I not only found family members but a huge amount of their close friends who I consider to be my family. My mum and birth mother absolutely adore each other and neither is threatened by the other.

Earlier this year I came into contact with my birth father. I had a huge amount of support on the evening and I think a lot of people where worried about how I would react. As it was a huge family dinner I never spoke to him. However, I left the restaurant with the definite knowledge that while I carry his genes; he is in no way my father. I actually felt nothing toward him, not hate, not anger and certainly not love. I felt indifferent.

The person who is my dad is the man that was with me as I grew up, that gave me piggy backs that gave me hugs, has a heart of gold and a huge propensity for love and the man who gave me away on the day of my wedding. My step dad is a strong, grounded, amazing man who has had to deal with a young woman who looks almost identical to his wife and a little like a man that he probably detests. My step dad along with my mum and birth mum also gave me away at my wedding.

I feel complete and have a strong sense of who I am, and I have a beautiful, loving, caring family.

My husband has another woman

My husband has another woman and I am not particularly jealous. I am not jealous of her long slender curves and her natural shape or her ability to attract grown men. Sometimes I get a bit upset that Mark spends a significant amount of time with her.

So the 'other woman' is a metaphor for boats. For as long as Mark and I have lived together he has been absolutely obsessed with boats. In the darkest hours at night I often catch him surfing the net and also Trade Me looking at boats. Honestly, it’s a bit like non-sexual porn (there is absolutely no way that I can compete)! You should see our internet browsing history, boating building, wood for boats.

Don’t get me wrong I think it’s really great that he has another interest in addition to playing the guitar, tropical fish and brewing his own beer. However, I am not really into boating that much, so find it all a little “ho hum” most of the time.

Mark has now upped the ante a little and brought a book about boat building and from this he intends to buy a boat plan and start to build his own little boat. The only main problem that I have with this is will it float or sink. I still can’t get my head around a man made wooden boat floating (despite knowing that other people have done it successfully); I have visions of a mini-Titanic in Te Atatu Peninsula.

The one thing I am really sure about is that Mark is highly analytical and will do the research fully before undertaking even buying the boat plan. If anyone will succeed at this Mark will. So for the meantime until the boat is built and Mark is out fishing I will have to put up with late night boat browsing, boat envy (yes he looks twice when we drive past a boat) and Mark talking to me about boats.

It could be worse.

Meeting people via the internet etc.

Times have definitely changed. When I started University back in the mid-90’s, I remember sitting in one of the computer labs with my friend Rebecca and we were actually bamboozled about how to use the internet.

Now in 2009 I look back and I can remember Rebecca and I trying to use the internet; it was a slow and painful process. Given the fact that now I usually have an internet browser open for most of my work day; I can’t even believe that we did not know how to use it.

Where would I be without the internet? Well I wouldn’t be married for starters and I would not have found life-time friend with common interests.

I thought that I could list a chronological history of my internet usage.

Late 90’s - my parents decided to get the internet at home. This opened up a huge world of opportunities for me! I joined Yahoo and started using their chat rooms to talk to people from all around the world. This was an amazing feat in itself. Yes, there were dodgy people out there, however for the most part the people that I came in contact with were interesting and fun.

Early-Mid 2000 – I found some really genuine, lovely people with common interests in US chat rooms. On a whim I decided to visit them for Christmas. This was a massive exploit in itself as I had not been to the USA before, had not met these people and had never spent a Christmas away from home. So on the 1st December 2000 I boarded a flight to LA. Once in LA I flew to Chicago and then on to Detroit. I was met by my “internet” buddy Will and we drove to his home in Reading, Michigan. Aside from being homesick in parts, I had a wonderful trip and met some great people. We had a crazy girl’s weekend in Ohio in the snow and danced the night away in various clubs. I spent a night in a motel room that was reminiscent of a cheap Hollywood horror with a big slash through the door!

2001 – I stumbled across a Yahoo group for New Zealand fans of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I had discovered Buffy when I was flatting; I kept my addiction to Buffy a secret for fear of being hassled for what could be considered a TV show for teenagers/children. Crazily enough I ended up using Buffy as part of a work speech.

This Yahoo group opened a huge door for me and many of the people that I met through this group have remained some of my closest friends. These are people who I feel comfortable with, and have also made me realise that I can see the deeper meanings in Movies, Books and TV shows.

I remember the first time I went to Kerry and Dave’s house; I was so nervous! I left that day feeling contented and happy after watching a lot of Buffy. I got home with a huge stack of Buffy videos so that I could catch up while the group waited for the next episodes of Buffy to arrive on video from a friend of Kerry’s in the USA. Thank you so much akldscoobies and nzscoobies you opened a door to “Narnia” and a world I would have surely missed had I not found you.

2001-2003 – While I have had a lot of wonderful experiences with meeting people on the internet, there have been a fair few nasty experiences that have balanced things out. I do not honestly know if I wanted to meet a partner on the internet, or if it was more that I just wanted to have some fun. I would say that 95% of the men I met were normal guys with no psychological problems; the other 5% what can I say?? Some were just plan nasty and scary human beings.

2002 – I moved in with a good friend Angela who I met through Buffy and we had a great time flatting with her sister in Avondale.

February 2003 – This marked a huge turning point in my life. I changed roles within the company that I worked for and decided to sell my car on Trade Me. While on Trade Me I found a NZ dating site (Findsomeone). I met a number of people through this site, and on about the 16th of February I got a message from a guy who lived in Wellington. Incidentally, Angela and I had just come back from a fun “up your bum Valentine’s day” weekend in Wellington. We started sending messages back and forth, and then started talking on the phone. Mark then threw in his job in Wellington and moved to Auckland (apparently he did not move up here for me...). We met in April 2003 in Hamilton. We moved in together in September 2003 and while there have been numerous ups and downs; we have been married for over a year and have been together for almost 6.5 years.

2008/2009 – I found Facebook, and connected with old school/university friends that I had lost touch with. While Facebook does not take the place of face-to-face contact or phone calls, it does provide a quick way to keep up-to-date with what happening with friends and family.

May 2009 – I discovered Twitter after listening to the Morning Madhouse and Jay-Jay and Dom raving about Twitter. I joined, and for the first couple of weeks I wondered what the big deal was about. Then all of a sudden I discovered NZ people using the site and over the past few weeks of July/August I have really learnt to LOVE Twitter.

It seems crazy to me that about 10 years ago I struggled to use the internet, and 2008/2009 has opened the door for me to social networking sites, blogs and just in the last day or so RSS Feeds. It makes me wonder what 2010+ will bring.

Opinions

Once upon a time I used to be a confident, fairly opinionated person. Over the years, I have learnt to curb my opinions as my confidence has plummeted.

A tweet I received today made me think about why I no longer freely express my opinions like I did when I was younger. Tweet: from velofille @nessliddell if you aren’t sure just say your opinion and if you are corrected then you learnt something.

When I was at school I had a number of friends who were quite opinionated. I found that when I would express my own opinion these friends would almost override my opinion with their own. Over time my confidence started to dwindle as I became sick of having to constantly justify my own opinions, and also to fight to get my opinions heard. To me they were sound debaters and in a way I guess I thought that they were a lot more intelligent than me. I gradually learnt to keep my opinions mostly to myself; only expressing them when I was confident to back them up and not back down.

The other thing that I have realised looking back, is that I would also change my opinion to fit with the majority (even if I didn’t fully agree). Unfortunately, I soon realised that I could avoid conflict completely either by hiding my opinions or changing them to suit the situation. I absolutely hate conflict, and underpinning that is the fear that people will stop liking me because our opinions differ. Also, when I get frustrated or angry I tend to cry, which most people see as a sign of weakness especially in women. I am afraid that if I start expressing my opinion with him, that he will just shoot me down and I will once again be that teenager who let other’s opinions override my own.

As an adult I still reserve my opinions and let fear hold me back.

Currently, my father-in-law is a prime example of when I hold my tongue. I do like him however, he is HIGHLY opinionated, constantly talks about politics and he can be incredibly overbearing (mind you my father is very similar). He is intelligent and respects people that can openly debate with him about anything and everything. I was quite interested in politics at university and got involved a lot, however I don’t feel comfortable debating with my father-in-law or even expressing my opinion. Personally, I don’t care if Helen Clark is a lesbian (what bearing did that have on her as a prime minister), I don’t care to hear racist comments about people and frankly believe there is more to life than politics. Mark and I were raised at very different ends of the political spectrum and as a couple; we try not to talk about politics as a rule. Suffice to say, I don’t go to Wellington a lot.

So where do I go from here? I need to start understanding that an opinion is just that and I believe that we all have the right to express our own. I need to start believing in myself and rebuilding my confidence in my own opinions. If people decide not to like me because of my opinions then do I really want or need them in my life?

So here’s to my “happily ever after”.....

Procrastination

My guilty little secret; I am an absolute wiz at procrastination. When I was at school I thought that when I finally hit adulthood that I would grow out of it. Unfortunately, at 34 years old it does not seem to have happened.

I procrastinate in both my work and personal life. I sometimes wonder if work procrastination comes from a lack of confidence in my own ability to make decisions and to have confidence in those decisions. In previous jobs I have left the hardest jobs (or the jobs I do not want to do) until last and would do everything in my power to avoid having to do them; only to find that when I actually got stuck into the task that it was not that difficult. I have read Eat that Frog and the Fish Philosophy and they always inspire me. I stick to their philosophies but eventually fall back into old habits.

The other thing that I have struggled with since having a job where my confidence was knocked out of me, is asking questions. I constantly fail to ask questions as I do not want to appear stupid, and this often holds me up on particular tasks. Then I start to stew and get even more stressed out, and then I wickedly procrastinate!

How do I break the procrastination habits of a life time?

I will write my “to do” lists and start tackling at least 2 things from both my work and personal lists each day until they are finished. I will tackle the jobs I least like or that are hard in the morning and get them out of the way. I will try not to use social networking sites to put off inevitable jobs and I will close my email and only open it a few times a day.

Just for the record Twitter, Facebook and email’s are great procrastination tools for me!