Don’t Go Chasing Waterfalls

The other day Mark and I were watching the news. There was a story about how the facilities that service the Tongariro National Park are struggling with the sheer volume of visitors. What it boils down to is that there are simply not enough toilets and amenities to adequately cope.

Mark turned to me and said “tramping and hiking would be quite a good way to get fit”. I said “yes, it would” and we left the conversation there.

Yesterday, I had a meeting with one of my clients and he was talking about how he and his wife have been doing a lot of hikes and were planning to do some of the Waitakere hikes to see the local waterfalls.

That got me thinking about how amazing it would be for Mark and I to seriously start doing some local hikes in the Waitakere Ranges. We are absolutely spoiled for choice in our area with beautiful beaches and fantastic walks. I found this great website about New Zealand Waterfalls and you can look at different waterfalls nationally.

We are going to start with some smaller ones and build up to bigger ones. I am pretty excited and I hope that as we get fitter and stronger that my dream of hiking the Milford Track will come to fruition.

Day 20- Someone you see yourself marrying/being with in the future

Vin Diesel???

But seriously, I am already married and will happily spend my future with Mark. It is not always perfect, but 9 times out of 10 it is.

Threads Unravelling

The past couple of days have been pretty hard and horrible for me.

Often, it is easier for me to step inside myself and try and repair the unravelling threads of my ‘sense of self’ on my own. If I push you away, remember this time it is not about you, but it is about me trying to cope.

I have realised and re-learned some things about myself:

- I think that I am a kind person and for the most part not a bad person
- I put the ‘drama’ in Drama Queen
- I want to be there for everyone, and sometimes this is at the expense of my own emotional fragility
- Rather than address problems head on, I tend to be passive aggressive
- If I feel that I cannot cope, I forget that other people have problems, thoughts and feelings to
- I have huge mood swings which quite frankly are a ridiculous waste of time and very hard on the people that love me
- I probably need to consider talking vitamin supplements

How can I change my behaviour to be a better person, a better wife, a better daughter, a better friend and a better sister?

- Understand that the world does not always revolve around me (shocking I know)
- Cut out the passive aggressive and Drama Queen behaviour
- Find a better outlet for my mood swings and try not to let these affect others
- Self-medication by way of giant Jelly-beans (thank you Liz)

To my friends and family: “please do not ever think that you cannot talk to me, it is just that sometimes I need to fix myself a little first before I can be there 110% for you”.

What have I done to make you feel proud?

For the first 14 years of my life I was an only child. Then I met my sisters. Technically they are my half sisters, but we do not see it that way. We are “full siblings” for all intents and purposes. Because they grew up together, I guess Anna is the “older” sister, and then I am the older sister ‘add on’.

I am the eldest, then Anna and then the twins, Sarah and Becky. I am incredibly proud to call these strong, beautiful, intelligent women my sisters. Sometimes I wonder if they feel proud of me.

Anna lives in New York with her partner and has an amazing job. She has paid her student loan, her staff members love her and she is an amazing role model for her peers and staff. She has not lived in New Zealand for years, and while she misses us like crazy she is really progressing with her career. On the flipside she often works 16 hours a day; often at the expense of sleep and the gym.

Sarah and her fiancé and their new baby boy are moving home after nearly 4 years in the Gold Coast. Sarah has done so well since she worked for D-Vice and then moved to the Gold Coast. Things just suddenly clicked for her there, and she really found her strong sense of shelf. She is an incredible ‘new’ mum.

Becky, her husband and two beautiful twin girls live in Wellington. They have lived in Auckland, Melbourne and this is their second time in Wellington. She was able to stay home until the girls’ went to school and is an outstanding mum. She has the amazing ability to be able to make her home where ever she lives which is fabulous.

At times I wonder what I have done that makes them feel proud of me. I do not feel like a role model most of the time. I have a job, not a career. We do not have children. Mark and I do not own our own home. I am complete crap with money and still have a student loan. I am also grossly overweight and having 3 slimmer sisters often makes me feel like the horrible, fat older sister.

On the flipside, I think that I am a nice person, with a kind heart. I would do anything for my sisters if they needed me, as would my husband Mark. I devoted 2 ½ years to a cat rescue agency; at the expense of my family and friends and now we have an extra four cats who were rescued. Somewhere in the middle of all that we managed to get married with our close friends and family.

At times I have struggled with my own emotional demons and I think that finally I can start putting some of them to rest. For the first time in years I feel happy, and more like a whole person. I have stopped feeling like I want to die, and am learning how to feel alive. Although, Mark and I do have rocky patches, I strongly believe that we have a good marriage and have lots of laughs.

To me success is being happy and healthy physically and emotionally; and not having a house. If I am happy then should it really matter if people are proud of me or not? Should I just be proud of myself and my achievements.

Over the next few months I plan to focus on my health and well being, my career and learning to save.

So one day at a time sounds good.

My husband has another woman

My husband has another woman and I am not particularly jealous. I am not jealous of her long slender curves and her natural shape or her ability to attract grown men. Sometimes I get a bit upset that Mark spends a significant amount of time with her.

So the 'other woman' is a metaphor for boats. For as long as Mark and I have lived together he has been absolutely obsessed with boats. In the darkest hours at night I often catch him surfing the net and also Trade Me looking at boats. Honestly, it’s a bit like non-sexual porn (there is absolutely no way that I can compete)! You should see our internet browsing history, boating building, wood for boats.

Don’t get me wrong I think it’s really great that he has another interest in addition to playing the guitar, tropical fish and brewing his own beer. However, I am not really into boating that much, so find it all a little “ho hum” most of the time.

Mark has now upped the ante a little and brought a book about boat building and from this he intends to buy a boat plan and start to build his own little boat. The only main problem that I have with this is will it float or sink. I still can’t get my head around a man made wooden boat floating (despite knowing that other people have done it successfully); I have visions of a mini-Titanic in Te Atatu Peninsula.

The one thing I am really sure about is that Mark is highly analytical and will do the research fully before undertaking even buying the boat plan. If anyone will succeed at this Mark will. So for the meantime until the boat is built and Mark is out fishing I will have to put up with late night boat browsing, boat envy (yes he looks twice when we drive past a boat) and Mark talking to me about boats.

It could be worse.