Thoughts of Christmas and Holidays

Christmas 2014 seemed to roll around extraordinarily fast. Mark and I decided that it would be nice for him spend Christmas with his family as he has not spent a Christmas with them for 10 years.

Faced with a quiet Christmas I felt a bit flat. I had the best plans to put a tree up early to get into the festive spirit and as the days went by I procrastinated about putting it up and felt a bit down.

Things changed the week before Christmas when I received a text from my cousin (pretty much my sister) asking seriously what were “my plans for Christmas” as they were all keen to come up. So we went from a relatively quiet, low-key Christmas of 3 to a full-on-family-fun Christmas of 7.

Suffice to say I put the tree up the day that they arrived as her eldest daughter was getting quite stressed that I had not put our tree up. It is simply amazing how fast you can put a tree up when the pressure is on.

Christmas was fantastic. It was pretty low-key and really relaxing and lovely. There is something to be said for having Christmas with teenagers as they still really get into the whole festive side of things.

The day that they left was the day that my best friend from Wellington arrived and we had an absolute blast. We drove all over Auckland, relaxed a bit, ate yummy Mexican food and did a teeny bit of shopping. 

Two of my friends had their babies in December which was amazing and exciting. 

For the rest of our holidays Mark and I just chilled out and did a few things around the house. Could we have done more? Probably. Was the weather really hot and humid…absolutely. Did we finally have our first summer BBQ? YEP! Mark made us some rustic pallet furniture.

Amazingly, I was really laid-back about returning to work on the 12^th and I eased back into the work-year without much trauma.

Now it is February…and we are already planning for things in April.

2013 Wrap Up

I thought I would do a really quick wrap up of the year that was 2013.

This has been a hard year for me and I am sure a lot of other people have had a rough time as well. There has been a lot of pain and splash of laughter and happiness. I am ready for 2014 to be a much better year.

This morning in RPM I thought I do not really want to make any New Year’s Resolutions for the single reason that every single day (even every hour, minute and second) can be a fresh start. I also do not want to set myself up to fail by putting a truck-load of pressure on myself with a huge list of resolutions that might not be achievable.

Really I just want to be a better person to myself and others. I want to be happier, kinder and more balanced. Most of all I want to be healthier and if that means losing some weight and getting fitter then so be it.

In February my father passed away and there are days when I feel his loss more than others. I thought that our first Christmas without him would be the hardest but in truth it was my first birthday that I really felt his absence and my heart just hurt. What I will say is that cancer is one of the cruellest diseases there is and it does not discriminate with who it takes. More than anything I was just relieved that when my dad passed away that the suffering for him was over. I strongly believe that he is with me every day (in my heart and memories) and that makes it a little easier.

It was a year of many firsts. 

I finally met my long-time online friend Pip from Invercargill which was super exciting. We have probably been talking for over 3.5 years and we met through Twitter. Pip was up for a wedding and so we made time to catch up and go for lunch. 

We purchased our first house together and although it was not without some major hurdles we have just spent our first Christmas here. There are days when I drive into the driveway and it seems surreal that we own this place and we are not just renting. We just had one of my oldest and closest friends and her husband come for a lovely BBQ dinner on Saturday night at our new house. It is so nice to have people come over and see how house and it is possible that we will have a house-warming at some stage.

I finally tried Body Attack (which I am slowly starting to enjoy more and more) and Bikram Yoga. I tried Paddle Boarding and also joined an amazing, supportive community of women (MotivateMe NZ). I did quite a few walking events and also two RPM/Spin events and a flipping obstacle course. I already have a few events booked for early in the New Year which is really exciting including my third year doing The Dual on Motutapu and this year Mark is doing it with me and we are camping there overnight.

I discovered that I absolutely love RPM and have been doing it pretty much every week since early in April. I am addicted and I have also encouraged the same addiction in friends…oops! I have established that stairs get you fitter faster despite the fact that they are EVIL!

A few of my friends have had beautiful children this year and my nieces and nephews continue to grow more beautiful with every month. In the last 2-3 weeks two of my friends have gotten engaged which is super exciting. Funnily enough Mark and I have 3 weddings to go to in 3 cities over a 10 day period. The second wedding in March is in the lower half of the south island which is am ridiculously excited about as I have not seen very much of the south island as an adult.

I attended a Tangi for the first time and met some truly amazing, caring, selfless people.  At the same time I had my heart shattered and I was taken back to being a 14 year old teenager in a heartbeat. What I have realised is that despite everything I am really strong and resilient even in the face of pure hatred. So, if you think you beat me…you did not and you will never have any part of me again.

I went to South Korea in June despite being completely freaked out in the beginning. It is an amazing country, rich in history and culture. I want to go back with Mark for a holiday so I can experience it with him and do the things that I did not get a chance to do. My dad would have been so excited (and proud) that I went to Korea and I thought about him a lot when I was there. Actually, my wonderful brother-in-law even asked me to write a blog for his website about my trip! No one has asked me to write a blog for them before.

I decided to leave Twitter after nearly 4 years which was both sad and liberating. 

I discovered some amazing new TV Shows including Elementary, The Walking Dead, Homeland and Miss Fisher's Murder Mysteries (very NEW favourite). Discovered some amazing new music via RPM and Julia. 

Finally saw Wicked!! Okay, so it was not in New York but I do not care it was amazing. It was the day that we were meant to go unconditional on our house and it did not happen that day. I cried during 'Defying Gravity' and I probably did not stop crying until the end.

I had the best birthday week with time down with Julia and Paul in Wellington and their fur baby family. Then in October I went to celebrate Julia’s birthday with her. These were two amazing trips that were filled with ‘pee your pants’ laughter, relaxation, good food and amazing company and a MILLION Piper, Vuk and Sophie cuddles.

I feel blessed to have a lovely group of friends who I consider to be my family. Life would not be the same and as rich without you all in it.  

So bring on 2014; a year of more exercise, better nutrition, more events and more happiness and calm.

Happy New Year to you all and let it bring you everything you hoped for and more.

Being strong for you

I want you to know that I was strong and I think that wherever you are; you know that.

In August last year when the doctors discovered melanoma cells in your lung fluid I knew that all our lives would never be the same. We were heartbroken because you had finally been given a date for your heart surgery which meant your hip replacement could follow. The melanoma diagnosis meant that none of these restorative operations could take place.

I knew that week, that I would write your life story with you, and I read it at your service. I finally realised that this was my time to honour you. We were told to plan for a month and if we got more; that would be a bonus.

After that first month I got complacent and stopped making notes for your life story. I should have kept writing things down. You told me so many stories about your life that I did not know and showed me the 100’s of pages of writing about your life. I knew I would use some of these stories.

I wish I had spent more time with you in the months leading up to your death. What I have realised that the worst thing about sudden death is regret. I believe that regret comes from feeling like you did not spend enough time with that person or say the things that you wanted to say or even love them enough. At least we had some time with you to celebrate your life.

I was not there when you passed away and I only missed your last breath by about 2 minutes. For a brief moment I felt regret and then Mark said that perhaps you had not wanted me to see you slip away. I think Mark is right.

That first night I managed to phone a lot of people to let them know that you had died. I did not cry. Then we started to organise your funeral as we had mere days to get things sorted. I am glad that I went and saw funeral homes when you were still alive as it made it slightly easier. We chose photos, readings, music, a celebrant, and flowers and somehow managed to pull everything together.

We were able to spend time with you the day before the funeral and I realised that while you looked ‘at peace’ you did not look like the ‘you’. I held your hands as they were the same and felt comforted.

I still had not really written your life story.

The day before the funeral I was starting to get a bit stressed. I am a procrastinator and I could not believe that I had not really started writing and also that I had not written it with you. That evening I started to feel ridiculous sick (it was possibly stress and sugar-overload) and had to have a sleep. I got up and still felt terrible and Mark told me that I had to write for an hour; which I did. Then I read the life story and knew that it was not even close to being finished. Suffice to say we were still writing/re-writing and proofing in the morning.

At your funeral when I stood to speak I did not know how it would go. I dug deep into my heart and soul and found the strength. I think I spoke with conviction, with strength and I honoured your life. I did not cry. The moment I started to waiver I looked to Mark for strength; he was crying. I turned and looked to my mother and she was smiling and she gave me the strength to continue.

On the night of the funeral, when I was alone in the dark my strength fell away. I held your photo close and wept until sleep finally found me. The following night I curled up with your jersey that still smelt of you and had your hair on it and wept some more. The cats curled around me to lend their warmth and support.

The other day when I was really struggling emotionally during a walk and felt that I wanted to just flop down on the ground and continue bawling I thought about you and then I dug deep to find the strength to continue. I did just that and then unbelievably it rained. So I guess for me the rain that day was like you being there giving me strength to push through the emotional wall. Neither of us subscribe to a religion so I will choose to believe that you are all around me in nature; supporting me on the rest of my journey through life.

There were people that kept me sane when you got sick and then when you died. Mark, Rachel and Julia put up with me when I was ranting about things. They kept their cool until I got a grip and could see clearly. Other close friends added their strength and also the MotivateMe NZ women were amazing without even knowing how much support they gave me during this time; they need a separate blog.

I have refrained from writing this out of respect for you and our family during the last 6 months. It was really tough as I am a writer and writing is how I process things that I am dealing with.

I miss you every day. I miss your voice. I miss your touch. I miss your strength and courage. I feel like a huge part of heart has been ripped out and will never been replaced.

I read this blog the other day, it is amazing and it made me think of you. 

This is the Hollie Smith’s song ‘Bathe in the River’ is one that I wanted played at your funeral, however we chose music you loved instead.

My father was a loving man with an adventurous spirit and a brave heart.