Three Things that Have Almost driven me MAD

Over the past 1-2 years there have been three things that have nearly driven me crazy. They cause me huge peaks of emotion. I feel intense sorrow and then cold fury. I have resisted blogging about them because I have not felt that it was right to write down my feelings, however I believe that in order for me to start to move on to a better place that now is the right time.

The Workplace

This is not about my workplace (I love my job) but the workplace of a friend.

Every time you come to me about your work I can feel my anger start to grow. I want to clap my hands over my ears and scream. I want to gouge my eyes out with a rusty spoon (King Lear reference right there).

Our conversations often start out calm and I listen and try and provide advice and words of support. But then I see the same problems crop up in your day all the time. It pains me to see you struggling with the situation, but I feel I have no more to offer you. Our conversations often end in me getting angry and frustrated and a lot of swearing.

I loathe your employer and your boss (and past boss) to such a degree that I feel I cannot be the supportive person that you need to talk to. I cannot be impartial anymore and just hope that you have the strength to do what is right and move on.

Your last boss was an evil, evil bitch. She did damage to you and I strongly believe she did damage to your potential career growth within the company.

So, I will try and support you a little, but do not expect too much. At the end of the day I feel that the company you work for is horrible and definitely not a healthy place to work. Hopefully, you will come to this realisation and be able to move on.

Unemployment

Disclaimer: I do not have a problem with people that need to receive benefits and this blog is not about bagging people who need them.

A few years ago you were made redundant. Then your partner resigned. I was gobsmacked. In a recession why resign just because your partner was made redundant.

You tried to get jobs and failed. You were not willing to move from the city you lived in to try for work. You only went for jobs in your “sector” and area of expertise, when perhaps you should have broadened your scope a little. Why not even try and find an interim job doing something while you were looking? Oh no…that’s right you were offered an awesome “interim” opportunity by family and did not take it.

You continued to live your life of “luxury” despite not having a job. This just made me ANGRY considering you had been very, very vocal about people/families taking advantage of the welfare system. You flipping hypocritical moron.

When you stayed with us your partner admired our belongings and made comments like “wow I love your XX” and “I cannot wait to get some pots like that”. Seriously, Mark and I have had to work hard to get what little we have. We had second hand stuff for ages, and eventually we were able to replace stuff bit by bit. For the record we do not replace things until they are dead!

You have finally gotten a job, but that has not changed my opinion of you. Eventually, I will probably come around but I will never forget your selfishness and laziness. You took advantage of people that were trying to help you. You did not even really contribute money towards living costs i.e. food, rent etc.

I believe that your selfishness remains. All I have to say to you is “to grow the hell up”. If no one tells you that soon, I may very well find my voice and do the telling.

Only the Lonely

I have a friend who is an only child and she is struggling a bit with what is going on with her parents as they are struggling. Other people tell her that they are there for her, to help, bounce ideas off etc. But she feels that even though there is a support network for her that at the end of the day she is alone and it is ultimately her responsibility. I feel for her as it is breaking her heart and her spirit bit by bit. She has changed in the past few years and is not the bubbly happy person that I know and remember.

It breaks my heart to see her like this. See her effectively shouldering the burden on her own. Perhaps it is the “curse” of the only child. They are just used to dealing with stuff on their own without having to turn to others. 

That is all. Vent over.

#ChristmasGoal2011

In July I got the flu. It initially started as a cold and then quickly spread to my chest. I had to go to Sydney for work and this set my recovery back. I had to take two courses of antibiotics and go to the doctor twice. Despite loading up on vitamins and good food it took me about 4 weeks to recover.

This shocked me. I never get sick and if I do I recover really fast. It made me realise that while my age has somewhat held my ‘health’ in check over the years it is suddenly catching up on me. It is clear to me that I need to do something drastic to reduce my weight for the long-term and get healthier.

To put it bluntly I am eating FAR more than I am burning.

I went back to see my personal trainer after about a month and a half off and we set some goals. The biggest one is to get back on track with my exercise and eating and have a goal for Christmas. So I weighed in (and I have gained about 6-8 kgs since the beginning of the year) and that sucked; but it is a starting point.

I then committed to myself and my trainer that I would not gain any more weight and I would endeavour to lose 25kg (or at minimum 10% of my body weight) by the end of the year.

My trainer also told me that I need to be exercising twice a day whether it is a couple of 30 minute walks, or a bike ride etc. and I need to be planning my meals.

I know what to do. I know about exercise. The area where I fall down is planning.

I have been bringing my lunch to work and making sure that I have healthy snacks available to eat. I am making sure that I do some more activity when I get home first with a bike ride on Tuesday night and then a walk up the road on Wednesday.

I am doing the 6km Sculpt walk with my trainer and friends in early December.

I have been watching The Biggest Loser Australia 2011 (Families) via their website as quite frankly I got sick of waiting and WAITING for it to be aired in New Zealand. Hopefully you can view these here on their website.

While watching I saw an episode where one of the contestants eats this crazy, creamy pasta for breakfast every day. I just about threw up and then realised that pasta is my absolute downfall and is probably a huge reason why I am eating way too many calories. You can see the preview “clip” here (the pasta bit is right at the end). 

Anyway…that is where I am at. How about you?

Provide Solutions

Lately, more and more people are struggling to make ends meet.

As a culture we could keep focusing on the problems or we could actually look to others to provide suggestions and solutions to help people get through the toughest times.

I am sure that there are people in this country who take advantage of the welfare system or live well outside their means and spend their money on “wants” vs. “needs”. I do not want to talk about those people. I want to talk about the people that are seriously doing the best that they can to make ends meet and they still struggle.

I do not want to hear about the price of milk anymore. Yes, it is expensive but everything has gone up in price. Last year people were focused on the price of cheese. We do not have children, but we still buy 2 x bottles of Dairy Dale milk for $6 from our local dairy. We keep one for home and I take one to work.

There are some amazing people out there that have made HUGE lifestyle changes to try and get ahead and lessen the struggle:

• Hannah and her family moved to a smaller city; they have a vegetable garden etc.
• Liz can feed her family of 5-6 on about $150 per week through good budgeting and a lot of home-cooked meals and baked goodies. Here is a link to her blog
• Jane takes out the exact amount of money in cash for her weekly groceries and does not spend more than that
• Make your own cleaning products (Wendyl’s Green Goddess website can be found here)
• Carla who pulled money out of her “ass” last week by looking around for things in her home to sell
• What about talking to your friends or neighbours and buying bulk vegetables i.e. 10kg of potatoes and splitting them up?

Somewhere along the line I think that some people have lost the skill of cooking and baking and even having a simple vegetable garden. A vegetable garden does not need to be expensive you could even grow things in a couple of old pots.

I absolutely love the philosophy of Sophie Grey (Destitute Gourmet) who makes amazing, nutritious meals on a budget. Her circumstances changed and as a family they had to make changes to their life.

Seriously, someone (I’m looking at you Close Up, Campbell Live, Breakfast) needs to get Sophie Grey on instead of continually talking about the problems.

So what are your ideas for saving money and getting through the tough times?

Hurt

I have seen quite a number of counsellors over my life. However, it was the last one that I saw whose sessions have stayed with me over 10 years later. Hers are the words that I heed when things get tough or I am feeling “wistful”.

Like everyone I have been hurt in my life. I also trust easily and sometimes that blinds me to my natural “instinct” about people or things. One counselling session we talked about hurt and the feelings around hurt.

What I learned was that “hurt happens no matter what” and the higher we build walls around ourselves to stop the hurt, the harder the hurt will be. With this in mind I started to pull down the walls that I had put up to stop being hurt. I opened myself up more to people and began to trust again. When hurt happened I accepted that hurt; while unfortunate was part of life.

The other thing that we talked about was our reactions. We talked about a particular instance when I was angry and my counsellor asked me how I felt and I said “angry” and she said “no what did you really feel” and I said “anger”. We went on like this for a bit until she said “if you really think about it, what you were feeling was “hurt”. When I thought through the whole situation I realised that she had hit the nail on the head. So I now realise that a lot of our emotions and reactions will stem from a particular emotion, and not necessarily the emotion that we think.

A lot of my anger and frustration comes from a starting point of hurt and sadness. I am sure I have blogged before about not feeling that I can get my words out or tell people when they have upset or hurt me. This means that my resentment grows; but hurt was the seed. I find it hard to move on from things because I cannot say what I truly want to say. Ironically it is probably because I am afraid of people taking things the wrong way or even hurting them.

Recently an amazing woman Mel told me to not be afraid to speak my “truth”. A few weeks ago I read something that Mel had written about speaking her “truth” and how she had kept silent over the years because she did not want to rock the boat and I can completely relate. I want to be able to speak my “truth” with honesty and integrity.

So at the end of the day I believe that to move through hurt we need to pick our battles and determine what is truly hurtful and what could be a silly mistake. For me it is about speaking my “truth” and being honest with myself and true to my feelings. It is about controlling my own reactions to situations and being able to let things go rather than hold onto them.

I am still learning and have a way to go; but I am getting there.

Summer Holidays in Colville

When I was in my mid-teens some friends and I spent two glorious summers in Colville; as one friend grew up there. We spent about 6-8 weeks there during our summer holidays and often I did not want to come home. Even now I yearn for those summers. They were bliss. Not a care in the world.

These summers’ holidays to me were freedom, fun, sun and no parents. Even now things take me back to that time. The smell of a wood fire burning (that’s how we heated the water) and incense. The music of Melissa Etheridge and Prince (‘Purple Rain’) takes me back as I listened to their music on my Walkman for one whole holiday. I would simply swap the tape over again and again.

Because we were only about 15/16 we walked everywhere. If we wanted chocolate (and you could buy this in chunks from the Colville General Store) we had to walk. I lost weight as we ate whole food, fresh food, vegetables, and good grains. At that stage in my life I really own ate fish and no meat. We went floundering for meals and cooked everything on a wood fire (even birthday cakes). We did both yoga and dancing on New Year’s Eve’s in the Colville Hall. I actually think that we cleaned the hall after a huge party and I remember my feet sticking to the floor.

Thinking about this now at 35 I think that weight-loss can actually be fairly simple if you just take it back to basics. It is about smaller portions and beautiful whole/fresh food like fish, brown rice, vegetables and the occasional treat and then a whole lot of exercise like walking, swimming and climbing trees.

Colville was a pretty small community filled with amazing, caring people, hippies, and Buddhists. There were the cool untouchable guys and girls and we spent a lot of time admiring the ‘Mahana Boys’ from afar. These guys played rugby and surfed a lot and worked sometimes. There were so many stories born out of small town truths and rumour. I remember one guy that had been injured in a car accident where he essentially lost half his face on the road. He always seemed distant and also unapproachable; as though he felt that people would only judge him by his scars. Personally, I did not even care.

I had a huge crush on a guy who grew up down in Colville. I spent the whole summer just hoping and praying for just a glimpse of him. I think I spoke to him once, but for over 2 years I totally lusted after him as only a gal in her mid-teens can do. I think we spent more time with his younger brother who was probably 3-4 years younger; I remember looking after him as he vomited after drinking whiskey. When I started writing this blog I actually used Google to find both guys and now they are grown up and so amazingly HOT! I can still see the guy that I had the crush on all those years ago, and his younger brother is still the same except he grew up.

Other things I remember is Layla going without deodorant because she thought that aluminium could contribute to breast cancer. I remember the hot days when she would wipe under her arms with tissues. I remember my friends Aunt burying the placenta from the birth of her son. She wanted to do it in Colville because it was special to her. I remember camping in Waikawau.

And finally I remember climbing up the hill overlooking a farm house after a long night to watch the sun creep up into the sky.

So thank you Colville; those summers helped shape who I am today.

Circle of Trust

Friendship is an interesting thing.

When I was at school I had a huge circle of good friends. These were the people that I thought I would always be friends with no matter what. So almost 18 years after I left high school I find it a little ironic that from this group of friends I am still friends with just two people. I drifted away from many of these people when I was at University and those friendships dissolved. A few years ago I caught up with a school friend and I found it ironic that she is still friends with all the people I no longer see, and she is not friends with the two people that I still consider as close friends.

What I realise is that as you move through life you and others change; like the ebb and flow of the tides. There are people that are in your life for a long time and those that touch your life briefly. I believe that people come into your life to help you and teach you things as you come into theirs to do the same. I am not perfect. I have lost friends over the years through my own stupidity and/or thoughtlessness. I have also let friendships go for my own self-preservation.

As the eve of my 36^th birthday approaches I look around and realise that I have the most amazing group of friends. Many are friends that I have had in my life for well over 15-20 years and are my ‘circle of trust’. They are the people that I go to when I need their wisdom and advice. Ultimately they are the people that I trust with my heart and my soul. However, I am a strong believer that it is not always the length of time that you have known someone, but the depth of feeling that you have for them that makes you love and trust them.  I have some very close friends that I have known for a short time that I trust implicitly.

I trust easily and yes I have been burnt in the past few years. I am re-learning to trust my own instinct when meeting new people. As I get older I realise that sometimes you need to guard yourself a little and not reveal everything all at once. One of the best things about friendship is getting to know the person bit-by-bit; a little like opening a present. Every layer is a surprise.

So I will treasure the friendships that I have and nurture them every single day.

Week 28 – w/c Saturday 9th July, 2011

Saturday (09/07/11) ~ I spent some time on the couch watching some recorded stuff off Sky and Mark and I managed to watch 6 episodes of The Big Bang Theory before he disappeared into the garage to work on his boat. Mark also purchased wood for his birthday photo booth.

Sunday (10/07/11) ~ Mark got up and got me a couple of brioches from Fuze and also a flat white. Then I just read and slept as the weather was horrible.

Monday (11/07/11) ~ Phoebe and her sister Jac came over for kitten cuddles at Raewyn’s. No photo.

Tuesday (12/07/11) ~ Starting a new book. Love it!! ‘Faking It’ by Jennifer Crusie.

Wednesday (13/07/11) ~ Mark went to beer night with the “boys” to do some taste testing of Moa Beers. I spent some time with Kathryn talking and watching The Biggest Loser. Penny spent the evening racing around and then eventually dropped from exhaustion.

Thursday (14/07/11) ~ Picked up a huge stack of books and DVD’s from the local library. I get so excited about new books to read…is that wrong? One of them is about two best friends that open a cupcake shop together….sound familiar? It could be the girls from Delish Cupcakes.

Friday (15/07/11) ~ Our dryer is stuffed….so I got up in the pouring rain and went to our local Laundromat at around 6.30am to get our washing dry. I did not think anyone would be around at that time so I wore my PJ’s and a dressing gown. Suffice to say I saw about 4-5 people.